Lots on my mind; time to get it out...

This is a small piece of myself that I'm now willing to share. Handle with care; contents will break under pressure.

26 July 2010

5. Why can't I do this...?

It is at this time, that I, Alexx, officially admit that I have commitment issues.  Yep!  You heard it here first folks I currently find myself unable to commit - to my hair.

I've have never been in a place like this before.  When I was 15, like a week before starting my sophomore year I let, scratch that, I wanted my hairdresser to cut off half a head worth of hair from my head.  Everyone thought I was crazy.  I later realized that I was going through something, but that's a story I'll save for later.

Short hair was a true commitment, one that I thought I was ready for, and come to find out - I was.  I loved it; everybody else loved it; and it loved me.  Cutting my hair in that style forced me to take care of it.  There was no hiding behind ponytails on bad hair days.

But now I don't know what's going on with me...

I committed to going natural.  No relaxer 9 1/2 months strong.  But now, for some reason, I cant just cut my hair.  It's not that I don't want to - I do - EVERYDAY!  Every other day I tell my friend Weldon, "I'm gonna cut it all off tomorrow.  I can't take this!"  He just looks at me and laughs at this point, and I'm starting to understand why - because I DON'T, or can't (in the mental sense, that is).  The date goes from tomorrow, to October (my one year mark), to December/January as a New Year's type thing.

I look at it and the relaxed ends depress me.  I touch it and the fluffy center intrigues me.  I think about it and I the girl who's motto is "It's just hair; it'll grow back," is scared of the thought.  Sometimes I think it may just be the fact that I know it's going to go out and not down (clearly I'm qualifying my unfounded fear here).  Sometimes I think maybe I'm just scared of what's lying underneath.  Mostly, I'm pretty sure it is the fact that this haircut, like the last one, signifies something - didn't know what it was then, and I'm not completely sure what it is now, but I know it's something.  Or maybe I've just fallen in love with the really BIG puff I get to wear and I know that cutting my hair will make that option non existent for a few more months.

In any case, clearly I'm not mentally prepared for the change, but I'll admit does irk me.

1 comment:

  1. the first step to getting past this is admitting the problem. LOL Hang in there, dear. You've mad it this long, surely you can go longer. And don't worry about relationships. Maybe it's not that you have committment issues, perhaps you haven't met anyone worth settling down with. Think about it.