Lots on my mind; time to get it out...

This is a small piece of myself that I'm now willing to share. Handle with care; contents will break under pressure.

14 September 2010

22. Hair Stuff

So if you hadn't noticed, my one-picture-per-day-to-track-progress method didn't so much work out.  Between the move, bad lighting, and technical difficulties (including, but not limited to, not having Internet for a month) the original plan kinda fell through... but I do have some pictures courtesy of Facebook as well as my Blackberry.  Lol.

I promise I will try to do better..... as soon as I get some batteries for my camera.

Yes there's a tattoo in my ear....

Pre Club

Only successful [flat] twist out!

Most days the puff is enough... lol.

21. Something I'd like to get off my chest...

So I love my friends and all, and I try to make the most of the conversations that we have with out taking the things they say too personally or to heart.

With that said....

The other day I was walking with a friend of mine and she and I were talking , you know normal everyday stuff.  At some point in the conversation I called her bourgie, in response to something she said.  Her response was that she wasn't bourgie, it's just how her mom raised her.  And so, I responded, "Cuz your mama is bourgie!"  To which she replied, "My mama can't be bourgie - she's white!"  (My friend is biracial; her mother is white, and her father is black, and she was raised predominantly by her mom.)  So what she was saying was that she couldn't be bourgie, because her mom is white and in some respect raised her white.  Really now?

I'm the last person to try to get caught up in the race thing, however I also like to be real about the world around me, which is why I found where our conversation went disturbing.  We continued to discuss the matter and I asked her if she was aware that outwardly the world generally perceives her a Black.  To which she replied that people perceive her as Mixed (of mixed race), and told me, quite matter-of-factly, that her birth certificate says she is white.  Something that, I'm not going to lie, kind of offended me.  But that was her mother's choice, and who am I to argue with how people raise their children.

Moving from this I chose to drop it.  I'm not gonna change her mind about who she is, or thinks she is, in a 10 minute walk to class.  I chose to attribute much of the way she feels about herself to the antiquated Charleston mindset of race and racial stereotypes.  Seeing as how she's spent much of her life here and this city  remains in somewhat of a time-warp, I tried to evaluate the situation from her point of view (as best I could).  She told me that people that when people see her they assume she is mixed, and that the fact that she doesn't "sound like [she's] from Charleston" i.e. she doesn't sound like Black people from Charleston.

To that I my initial [mental] reaction would be, "Hell, people think I'm Mixed, and I'm not!"  The assumption that fair complected people are of mixed heritage is common, and to some extent true, but that mix being of immediate relation (parents) is not always the case.  In my own case, to my knowledge I'm to far removed from whatever "mix" I may be for it to matter to me.
Personally, I think some people (usually light skinned) get too hung up on that stuff.  If you have one black parent and one parent of some other race, clearly, you're mixed.  People who look to grandparents and even great-grandparents if they feel the need to take it that far are fully justified in the "I'm mixed" thing.  However, when you simply have light parents, who have light parents, who have light parents (like me) no point in getting all hell bent in proving how "not black" you are.  It's just another one of those things that creates division and hatred within the community.

To those who are Mixed, by no means am I trying to downplay or trivialize any part of your heritage.  I think its sad when Mixed children who are raised by only one parent don't get the proper opportunity to know one side, because both, together, are an integral part of what makes up that person.  This, however, is not the case of my friend.  She was raised by one parent, but from what I gather her father is not by any means an absent parent and she is not culturally isolated from Black people - she goes to school with and socializes with  Black people, and, at will, uses the "n" word.  She's definitely Black saying that right?  If not, I may need to re-evaluate this friendship.  But I digress.

The point I am trying to make, is that society is based on appearances.  Hate to state the most obvious example but: Barack Obama.... hello?  Barack Obama is known the world over not just as the President of the United States, but the first Black President of the United States.  This is in spite of the fact that in reality he is Mixed.  When people first see him the thought is that he is a Black man, not a Mixed man.  That is simply put, because in reality most Black American heritage is mixed heritage.  So that being said we're all mixed, but realize that doesn't make you any less Black, any better, or any worse.  While it is one thing to be proud of one-half of your history,  it's another thing to use that half to distance your self from the other half.

In any case, I like to let people have their opinions, and sometimes it is better to just agree to disagree.  Like I said I wasn't going to change her mind about who she's come to perceive herself to be after 20 years.  Maybe I made too much of something that wasn't actually that serious.  Like I said in actuality people make too much of the whole light skin = mixed = not black mentality.  We all eat, shit, and sleep no matter what color, right?

All that said, this is just something I wanted to get off my chest, don't take it to heart.

06 September 2010

20. You can't always get what you want....

Why is it that when a good thing is dangling right in front of us we're too stupid to see it, and yet, once it gone it's the only thing we want.
"Everyone wants what they can't have..." I heard this once before and thought maybe it was directed at just me... like some kind of sign from God.
In any case, I have been both the wanter and the wantee... It's really not fun from either side.

As the wanter (something I've found myself to become very familiar with), it is simply a sad state of affairs.  No matter how much you think you deserve something, nor how much you're willing to fight for it the fact is the attainability of this thing is simply not something that your will determines.  For many of us that is hard pill to swallow.  I don't how many times I've thought to myself "Why isn't this working?"  If I'm saying the right things and I'm doing the right things why can't I get what I want?  And what it boiled down to is the fact that we don't control the things (or people) that we want.  It is simply out of our hands.

And as hard as it is to deal with this type of rejection, silently, I'd say in my head, "One day you're going to want me, but by then it'll be too late."

And indeed I have been the wantee.  After months or years, there's some guy who rejected me for [insert generic excuse here] is in hot pursuit.  I am not much for bashing egos, though sometimes I'd like to be.  So I quickly put these idiots - as I see them - in the friend zone and just hope that works because I know how it feels to be brutally rebuffed, and I'd rather not bestow that feeling upon others.  (Maybe I try to be too nice about it.  Sue me.)  But as I do my best to preserve their masculinity and alpha male dignity, silently, I say in my head, "I told you so."

But alas, I too am an idiot.  Look we all make mistakes.  And it is now that I have found that the tables have turned themselves upon me.  Stupid tables.

The chance dangled in front of me like raw meat in front an angry lioness.  All I had to do was jump out and take it.  And the reason doesn't matter.  Maybe it was fear.  Maybe an incomplete understanding of my feelings.  Maybe just the time.  Whatever the case, I changed my mind.  The problem being, I changed my mind too late...  And now the thing that I could have had, but maybe didn't want at the time I can't have now that I want it.  Oh the irony.  Guess it was right what I said to those guys silently in my head.  Maybe the reason I was saying it silently in my head is because I was the one who was supposed to be listening.

But I guess life's funny like that sometimes.

I'd like to say I learned my lesson, but I can't say that I've been able to find it yet.

This is a work in progress....

04 September 2010

19. I wish my life was like this...

This is one of the lovely drawings done by actress Jasika Nicole and can be found with many more at her homepage

The simple things in life are what make me happy.  Once upon a time, I wished I could just skate my life away.  I've since been shaken back into reality, and that's fine.  But every once in a while, something reminds me of my first love.... and I smile.  

03 September 2010

18. Eyes...

A wise man once said
The eyes are the windows to one's soul.
The eyes that we use
And take for granted their power to behold
But what we use to look out
Allows others to look in.
Oh the irony of it all

But what's sad is when you can look at your reflection and see the vacancy in your own eyes.  The emptiness in those telling pools is almost palpable. And you can't help but wonder if anyone else notices.  When they look in, do they realize the lack of substance in the area that is supposed to tell the most about you.  Or is it something only the individual has the dreaded honor of beholding?  Using what is given to see to realize that as you look in nothing is looking back at you.  Dull. Still. Lifeless.  The space that sits behind those eyes is not bright with the light of joy, nor is it grim with the darkness of grief. It just is.  It has become space that exists because it must, with no acknowledgeable purpose.