Lots on my mind; time to get it out...

This is a small piece of myself that I'm now willing to share. Handle with care; contents will break under pressure.

06 September 2010

20. You can't always get what you want....

Why is it that when a good thing is dangling right in front of us we're too stupid to see it, and yet, once it gone it's the only thing we want.
"Everyone wants what they can't have..." I heard this once before and thought maybe it was directed at just me... like some kind of sign from God.
In any case, I have been both the wanter and the wantee... It's really not fun from either side.

As the wanter (something I've found myself to become very familiar with), it is simply a sad state of affairs.  No matter how much you think you deserve something, nor how much you're willing to fight for it the fact is the attainability of this thing is simply not something that your will determines.  For many of us that is hard pill to swallow.  I don't how many times I've thought to myself "Why isn't this working?"  If I'm saying the right things and I'm doing the right things why can't I get what I want?  And what it boiled down to is the fact that we don't control the things (or people) that we want.  It is simply out of our hands.

And as hard as it is to deal with this type of rejection, silently, I'd say in my head, "One day you're going to want me, but by then it'll be too late."

And indeed I have been the wantee.  After months or years, there's some guy who rejected me for [insert generic excuse here] is in hot pursuit.  I am not much for bashing egos, though sometimes I'd like to be.  So I quickly put these idiots - as I see them - in the friend zone and just hope that works because I know how it feels to be brutally rebuffed, and I'd rather not bestow that feeling upon others.  (Maybe I try to be too nice about it.  Sue me.)  But as I do my best to preserve their masculinity and alpha male dignity, silently, I say in my head, "I told you so."

But alas, I too am an idiot.  Look we all make mistakes.  And it is now that I have found that the tables have turned themselves upon me.  Stupid tables.

The chance dangled in front of me like raw meat in front an angry lioness.  All I had to do was jump out and take it.  And the reason doesn't matter.  Maybe it was fear.  Maybe an incomplete understanding of my feelings.  Maybe just the time.  Whatever the case, I changed my mind.  The problem being, I changed my mind too late...  And now the thing that I could have had, but maybe didn't want at the time I can't have now that I want it.  Oh the irony.  Guess it was right what I said to those guys silently in my head.  Maybe the reason I was saying it silently in my head is because I was the one who was supposed to be listening.

But I guess life's funny like that sometimes.

I'd like to say I learned my lesson, but I can't say that I've been able to find it yet.

This is a work in progress....

No comments:

Post a Comment