Lots on my mind; time to get it out...

This is a small piece of myself that I'm now willing to share. Handle with care; contents will break under pressure.

25 August 2010

17. Life doesn't come with an eraser... shit.

Along with the move to my new place, there has come a lot of free time.  Time to think (and talk) to myself about... myself.  With these thoughts, I always get back to the same question, "How the hell did I end up here?"
The answer is simple.  Our choices dictate the lives we lead, and I have made a lot of choices.  Some good.  Some not so good.  Some bad.  But these choices are what shape the person I have become.

And then I thought, if I could just go back...

But I can't.

Because life doesn't come with an eraser... shit.  There comes a point when you have to will yourself to stop living in your past.  Personally, I suck at that part.  But what I'm getting better at is not living in the world of "What If"  That is a bad place.  It leads to regret due to lack of understanding.  This is because the mind works like a pen, and even though it can't erase things, it can scratch through them and try to act like they're not really there.  But they are there, and they usually have some affect on the things that come after.

One of these nights, I sat in my house.  Alone.  I made a list of everything I don't like about myself.  On that list of about 20 things - around half were things that at this point I have no control over; they are the products of decisions I've made.  When I realized that, I then realized that once you come to terms with the things that bother you the most only then can you work to rectify them.  They may not necessarily be fixable but where there may not always be a solution, there is generally a resolution.

16. And another thing...

So I'm totally down with Obama and all, but I've also decided to stop relying on hope.  Sure it's optimistic and open minded, but it too just leads to disappointment.  Hope is like knowing the likelihood of something going wrong, and then telling yourself, "But just maybe..."  It's one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time, but the end result may leave less than desirable results. 

Hope is also the thing that leads you to think, "one day it could happen to me..."  That's what I used to think about love, and you know what happened?

DING! DING! DING! - Still single
And no I'm not against hope all in all - some situations call for it.  But in the case where it leaves you clinging to what was and what could be again or having a fantasy come true it kinda seems like not such a good idea.  So please excuse my cynicism - it's just that in a reality that keeps knocking you down, wouldn't it be better to push back rather than hoping you don't get pushed again?

15. The "L" Word.

I have come to a crossroad.  To love or not to love, that is the question.  Well it was the question.  The answer is clearly - "Not."   I have officially quit lusting after love.  I mean, yeah, it's a nice idea and all, but really what's it good for?  You slowly give away pieces of yourself until you're so caught up in we that you are no longer a me.

At least that's what I'm telling myself.

The real reason I'm through with the contemplation of this dirty four letter word is that I realize it brings more pain than anything.  I've seen love rear it's ugly head, and that's just not a monster I'm prepared to tackle right now.  Love ruins lives.  You put so much stock into another person, hoping they don't disappoint you.  If you're lucky they won't; if you're luck you also win the lottery.  And the ability of people to just fall in and out of it at a moment's notice is beyond me. The ability to forsake all rational thought for what - a feeling that may or may not last through the end of the week? 

And so gone are the days that I long for a significant other.  I mean sure it'd be nice, but at this point in my life its like chasing a pipe dream.  Guys don't know the meaning of commitment anymore - and yes that is a glaring generality, but it's all I have to go on at this point.

Maybe I'm bitter.  Maybe I'm jealous.  Deep down all these things are quite possible.  But on the surface, I'd just like to go with the fact that love in reality seems to lead to nothing but disappointment.

And so, I think I'm just gonna give up on the whole love thing... I know, I know - its kinda early.... But I figure I'll just quit while I'm ahead...

14. Getting Back on Track.

So I've finally almost gotten my life together.  For the three people that read this thing every once in a while, I'm sorry if you've been waiting in agony wondering what is going on with me (note sarcasm).  I've been moving.  I hate moving.  That is all.  Well not quite all.  In the last three weeks I have spent a lot of time with myself.  Making decisions and coming to some new realizations.  Those thoughts are the many musings to follow.

04 August 2010

11. Pictures of the Day.

So I've got this new plan that I'm hoping is going to help me stay positive.  I relaxed my hair when I was young because it seemed like there was no one for me to look up to that looked like me.  As young girls we all find someone we try to emulate, but there was no one that I looked up to that I felt looked "like me."

Fast forward a few years, and I no longer worry about who I can be like, but what would make someone want to be like me?  So I've decided [to attempt] to take at least one good picture of myself everyday and post it along with some inspiring famous face.  No correlation.  Just someone that caught my eye at some point.

03 August 2010

10. Okay... I'm ready to talk...

It's been a few days and now I'm ready...

So this is how it happened.  It was Thursday night.  I decided to forgo the antics of the previous two weeks and stay in.  I washed my hair.  I was trying to employ the baggy method and just watching tv.  I was also having mixed emotions about boy issues, but I'll save that for another time.  I was almost asleep and at 2 a.m. started getting texts from friends about how much fun they'd had going out as well as a, less than sober, late night visit from the bff who "didn't feel like walking up the stairs" - but I digress.  Anywho, all my friends were home safely and I couldn't sleep, still thinking about "boy stuff."

My head was starting to itch and I decided to remove the plastic cap, but my hair felt funny.  Not soft and fluffy, not like the last time I'd done this.  When I went in the bathroom to look in the mirror, my hair looked dreaded.  It was tangled and it felt dry.  I was not happy.  On top of the fact that I was already thinking too hard I thought to myself, "Something's gotta give."

I looked and random pieces and snipped a few.  I'd done this before; no big deal - or so I thought.  But this time was different.  This time I didn't stop.  It was 4 am and I was doing it.  This was it - the BIG CHOP.  What actually happened was after the first few little random snips, I grabbed this huge section at my crown the length of my fingers, and I cut it. I dropped the hair in the sink and just stared at it in awe.  Limp and lifeless in the sink was my hair.  A big, fat chunk of my hair.  I felt amazing and terrified all at the same time.  Amazing because I was finally doing something I'd talked about for months.  Terrified because my hair hadn't been this short since like 10th grade.  Then I cried.  'Twas brief.  I thought I was going crazy.  I felt like my motives weren't right.  Then again maybe it was the push I needed.  At any rate it was done, nothing else to do at that point.

The one thing I couldn't do just yet though was cut my bangs, I pinned them out of the way.  Partially because I was afraid to eff it up.  Partially because I have always reserved the option to hide behind my hair.

Two hours later and the length of my hair was in the sink and I was back in the shower washing and conditioning.  I told a few friends and was mostly met by congratulations.  My only real reservation was the fact that that evening I'd be going home... and I'd have to face my mother.

My Facebook status simply read: "my mom is so gonna kill me..."

(I decided to cut the bangs last night.)