20. You can't always get what you want....

Why is it that when a good thing is dangling right in front of us we're too stupid to see it, and yet, once it gone it's the only thing we want.
"Everyone wants what they can't have..." I heard this once before and thought maybe it was directed at just me... like some kind of sign from God.
In any case, I have been both the wanter and the wantee... It's really not fun from either side.

As the wanter (something I've found myself to become very familiar with), it is simply a sad state of affairs.  No matter how much you think you deserve something, nor how much you're willing to fight for it the fact is the attainability of this thing is simply not something that your will determines.  For many of us that is hard pill to swallow.  I don't how many times I've thought to myself "Why isn't this working?"  If I'm saying the right things and I'm doing the right things why can't I get what I want?  And what it boiled down to is the fact that we don't control the things (or people) that we want.  It is simply out of our hands.

And as hard as it is to deal with this type of rejection, silently, I'd say in my head, "One day you're going to want me, but by then it'll be too late."

And indeed I have been the wantee.  After months or years, there's some guy who rejected me for [insert generic excuse here] is in hot pursuit.  I am not much for bashing egos, though sometimes I'd like to be.  So I quickly put these idiots - as I see them - in the friend zone and just hope that works because I know how it feels to be brutally rebuffed, and I'd rather not bestow that feeling upon others.  (Maybe I try to be too nice about it.  Sue me.)  But as I do my best to preserve their masculinity and alpha male dignity, silently, I say in my head, "I told you so."

But alas, I too am an idiot.  Look we all make mistakes.  And it is now that I have found that the tables have turned themselves upon me.  Stupid tables.

The chance dangled in front of me like raw meat in front an angry lioness.  All I had to do was jump out and take it.  And the reason doesn't matter.  Maybe it was fear.  Maybe an incomplete understanding of my feelings.  Maybe just the time.  Whatever the case, I changed my mind.  The problem being, I changed my mind too late...  And now the thing that I could have had, but maybe didn't want at the time I can't have now that I want it.  Oh the irony.  Guess it was right what I said to those guys silently in my head.  Maybe the reason I was saying it silently in my head is because I was the one who was supposed to be listening.

But I guess life's funny like that sometimes.

I'd like to say I learned my lesson, but I can't say that I've been able to find it yet.

This is a work in progress....

15. The "L" Word.

I have come to a crossroad.  To love or not to love, that is the question.  Well it was the question.  The answer is clearly - "Not."   I have officially quit lusting after love.  I mean, yeah, it's a nice idea and all, but really what's it good for?  You slowly give away pieces of yourself until you're so caught up in we that you are no longer a me.

At least that's what I'm telling myself.

The real reason I'm through with the contemplation of this dirty four letter word is that I realize it brings more pain than anything.  I've seen love rear it's ugly head, and that's just not a monster I'm prepared to tackle right now.  Love ruins lives.  You put so much stock into another person, hoping they don't disappoint you.  If you're lucky they won't; if you're luck you also win the lottery.  And the ability of people to just fall in and out of it at a moment's notice is beyond me. The ability to forsake all rational thought for what - a feeling that may or may not last through the end of the week? 

And so gone are the days that I long for a significant other.  I mean sure it'd be nice, but at this point in my life its like chasing a pipe dream.  Guys don't know the meaning of commitment anymore - and yes that is a glaring generality, but it's all I have to go on at this point.

Maybe I'm bitter.  Maybe I'm jealous.  Deep down all these things are quite possible.  But on the surface, I'd just like to go with the fact that love in reality seems to lead to nothing but disappointment.

And so, I think I'm just gonna give up on the whole love thing... I know, I know - its kinda early.... But I figure I'll just quit while I'm ahead...

7. Thoughts...

To be in love.
It is a thing only attainable in my dreams, I think.
In a space somewhere between fantasy and reality.
There is where love waits for me.


There it lies in a place I cannot go.
Life's funny like that.
In a place I cannot reach,
Love waits there beyond touch, taste, thought, or speech.


Beyond you and I.
Love lies in a space left unseen
There is nothing more that I can do
I can no longer chase love and no longer chase you.


And though the words are in my mind
They may never escape my lips.
Because "I love you"
Though said by many is understood by very few


And despite that I do
And I'm in way over my head
And want you and only you
It's simply better left unsaid.

2. The Hair Story...

So as my first official post I decided to start with my initial reason for even coming across blogs in the first place - my hair.  I'd never read an actual blog until I decided to go from relaxed to natural hair.  Well I should probably start at the beginning.  I was born on a warm spring day in May...

Fast forward a few years.... I was a happy child with the exception of the never ending battle with my grandmother.... Grr.  But that's another post... lol.  As I got older I HATED getting my hair done.  It seemed like an all day affair.  The washing. The braiding.  The placement of underwear atop my head, because my grandmother said it would help my hair dry faster... (Thinking back on that me and my lil sister probably looked like some damn fools!)  But perms at that time were not something I thought of.  My grandmother being extremely Afrocentric didn't believe in straightening hair chemically or otherwise (she doesn't even own a blow dryer), and this was before the time when mothers were slapping relaxers in their 3 and 4 year old daughters heads.  I knew my older cousins had straight hair but I figured it was a part of getting older and my time would come.

By the time I was about 10 which means my younger sister was 8 when we were introduced to the press and curl.  She got it done first, my mother was having a harder time dealing with our hair and having a full-time job.  Hers was thicker and she was tender headed so naturally she was first.  She came home that afternoon flaunting her hot combed tresses, much to my envy.  So it was only natural that I go too.  3 hours in a hair salon that smelled of burning hair every two weeks. for about 3 years.  I personally grew weary of the hot comb.  The press and curl never lasted more than 2 days and I was very active with volleyball and skating so it just ended up in a ponytail or a bun anyways.  These are the last pictures i can remember of my hair in its natural state.  Its a braid out before I knew what a braid out was.  I was 12 it was summer, post swimming...

These are the oldest unstraightened photos I can find.  Then I learned how to straighten my own hair with a curling iron... I would get my whole head to this poofy straight mess and then I would put the front into single braids and leave out the back in a big puffy ponytail or bun it.  In the 8th grade I decided that I wanted a hair cut like TBoz from TLC and I knew I would need a relaxer to do it.  I talked to my mom about it and eventually she said I could, my little sister already had so she really had no reason to tell me no.  I got my first hit of the creamy crack at 13.  For the first 1.5 years I wasn't much of an addict I would go three or even four months without a touch up.  And then there was the cut.  I wasn't quite TBoz but I loved my angled bob.

But to keep up with it I needed touch ups more frequently to keep the back laid flat (she'd taken the back half  of my head down with the 1 blade on the clippers....) I LOVED my short hair and it really became a life saver as far as keeping my eczema on my neck from flaring up.

But then came senior year and it was time to let it grow... So I did.  By graduation it was back around my shoulders.

And then there was college.  With college came new experiences and new people.  For the purpose of this exercise, new people included one of my new suitemates, Sabrina.  She was in the process of growing out a botched texturizer.  I watched for a year as she snipped and braided and snipped and braided and then lightly weaved (it was short, no one could tell).  By the summer she was totally natural, but constantly flat ironing.  But still I was intrigued.  It was October, just getting cold and I got yet another relaxer. 6 years strong.  Then came Christmas Break.  I was already flirting with the idea of forever forgoing relaxers.  I walked into the mall on Christmas Eve hoping my hairdresser would be there - she wasn't.  I had places to go and people to see.  I did my hair myself that night and it came out just fine. I took this as the first sign.  And then came Good Hair and Chris Rock was on Oprah and the Tyra Show.  I hadn't seen the movie yet but that demonstration with the can should really be enough to convert anyone.  And that's all she wrote.  I've been relaxer free for nine months now and couldn't be happier.  Well.... I mean unless my hair just started growing an inch a week... I aint gon lie.  That would make me happier.